Teenagerhood: Always One Step Further Than I Want to Go

Someone once described teenagerhood as always wanting to go one step further that their mother is comfortable going.  That is probably the most accurate description I have ever heard.  

I know I am a worrier, but I feel like I give my kids a lot of latitude as long as they show good judgement and are truthful.  Even so, they are normal kids, and they want freedom. 

It’s funny - recently I have realized that my older son, Jake, has learned how to work the system (and probably has been working the system for years).  If he asks for something and at least one parent says, “no,” with certainty that there is no room for a change of mind, it’s a no.  However, if I (the more cautious person) am unsure and want to think about it, and Dad has not given a no, the game begins. 

Jake then mentions the question periodically.  Not pushing, but checking on the status of the decision.  He knows not to push.  “OK, let me know.”  The dishes are then completed in a timely fashion as are his other chores.  He doesn’t call attention to what he’s done, he just does it.  The more advanced notice he gives me, the more time I stew about it, and the better shot he has at a yes. 

My mind:  Should I say yes?  Is this a big deal?  Will it be ok?  Is this one of those times that I trust him and step back?  I could always say no if I need to.  

I think I literally wear myself out.  And then he usually gets a yes.   He’s a good kid.  He doesn’t ask for crazy things, just a step further than I want to go.   

My 16 year-old is more like me and needs the definite yes to move on.  When Luke wanted to get together with a friend a few weeks ago, I stewed:  This may be a terrible idea. It may be no big deal.  Who knows?  Always a step further…...I didn’t give a firm no. 

He talked to his dad (who thought it would be fine).  My husband told him to do his chores, be confident that it would be a yes, and then let it be.   Luke wanted the yes now, and didn’t want to play the game.  He begrudgingly listened. And he went to his friend’s house. 

Ugh.  They know me.  They really know me.  They are working together to push me one step further.  

Lesson Learned:  My boys are working together to thwart my worrying side.  It’s a good thing the dog is a girl and on my side.  Oh, and if I think it should be a no, I need to say it clearly and resolutely.